I have to leave for babysitting in about ten minutes, but I want to write before I go.

The point of my last entry is that I am coming to an understanding that no one is perfect and that no relationship is perfect. It would be nice if my life was like an episode of Dawson's Creek, where every guy was sensitive and well-spoken, but unfortunately, it's not...

That doesn't mean that I let Pat mistreat me in any way. That doesn't mean that the only compliments he ever gives me are to say, "You're hot!" (But I do like to hear that...)

I know he truly cares about me... when I talk about someone who has hurt my feelings, he (jokingly) threatens to go after them with a baseball bat... he's always telling me how happy I make him and how much he wants to be with me... and he buys me candy! C'mon, what more could I ask for?

The whole point is... I'm happy with him, just the way he is. :)

I went to bed so early last night. I am just so worn out. I don't know why, either. I talked to Pat until about 8:30 and then went to lay down in bed. I watched Fox News Channel for a few minutes, and I was reading the news ticker along the bottom of the screen, which was incredibly mesmerizing and almost hypnotizing. That really put me to sleep. It was 9:21 the last time I saw the clock.

I slept fitfully, though. I woke up at 12:15 AM and then about every hour after that. I got up for good at 9:30 this morning. I had to help my mom with some housework, but I am done for now, I think. I got called to babysit this evening from 3:30 to 7:00, and I accepted the job. I really need some money.

Pat's bringing me to church tomorrow morning. Mom and Elizabeth are going to pick up Meme in Albany, and they're leaving at 6 AM. They really want me to come, but I can't miss Sunday Mass. Besides, I haven't seen Pat in a week. I miss him...

Which brings me to another subject I've been contemplating lately. What am I asking Patrick to be for me? What am I looking to be for him?

I guess it sort of hit me one night after I got off the phone with him. You see, he had called me around 9:20 PM from his cell, and I was talking to someone else on the other line, so I put him on hold for a second to hang up with the other person. Well, somehow I accidently hung up on him in the process of hanging up with the person on the other line. So I called him back. We talked for about 10 minutes... everything was okay, but he seemed really reserved, which isn't really like him. Well, then he told me that he was in the car, and that other people were there, so he couldn't get very personal because they were listening to every word he said, but he also said some things that made me think there was another reason for the way he was acting (i.e. something had happened which had upset him). It was about 9:30 by that time, and I went upstairs to say goodnight to my parents. I put my hand over the mouthpiece of the phone so as not to be rude... but I didn't mention to Pat that I had to do something for a minute. He thought I hung up, so then he hung up... Then he called back about 30 seconds later. I couldn't talk at all at that time (my parents were telling me to get off the phone) but both of us were confused as to what had just taken place. He sounded upset, so I thought he was angry... he said he wasn't angry, but he was definitely upset. I didn't have any choice but to say "goodbye" and hang up, though...

The thing is, I am so obsessed with making things okay before I go to bed. I literally can't sleep if I know things aren't good between me and a person I really care about. I just can't go to bed mad. So naturally I was very anxious, because I thought Pat was mad at me, and I had to go to bed.

I got to thinking, though. Is it really my responsibility to make sure that he's not upset? Is that what I really want to be for him? Because if it is, I am always going to be disappointed. No matter how I act, I can never make another person's life perfect. I can never take away all the confusion and doubt and hurt he or she experiences. It's just not my place or my responsibility. When I realized this, it was like a huge weight being lifted from my chest. As much as I care about Patrick, I knew I couldn't be anxious just because he was upset and confused and there was nothing I could do about it.

But what do I expect him to be for me? Sometimes, when I am upset about something, I wish he knew exactly what to say. Like I could say, "My mom called me a selfish brat today," and he would say in a comforting tone, "Oh, sweetie, you're not a selfish brat." Problem is, it doesn't usually work that way. It's taking me a long time to accept and understand that he is an individual person with his own fears, doubts, and pain. He can't always know exactly what to say that will make me feel better. He usually does a pretty good job, just because he's funny and sweet in an innocent sort of way, and his presence just makes me feel safer. But he's definitely not perfect. He isn't a dream guy... I mean, who is? Sometimes, I still wish he would compliment me by saying, "You are the most fascinating, intelligent, beautiful young lady I've ever met," but you know what? "You're hot!" usually works too. (I know that deep down, he really means that I'm fascinating, intelligent and beautiful... he just doesn't know how to say it. [That was a joke for those of you who have trouble reading my tone online.])

I was just reading through my old uJournal entries. Back when I used to have something to write about...

I've been writing so many boring, about-nothing entries in this thing lately. Maybe I'll just write exactly what is on my mind right now.

I'm thinking right now about this mixed message I get - that all girls get, really - all the time. It's like a war going on in my head. "Guys have more respect for virgins" but "Be a sex symbol!" I know it probably sounds really ridiculous, but that mindset is really there. I never thought I'd be one who would worry about it, but I am.

I love it when guys tell me I'm cute and pretty and all those wholesome things. I mean, I love it. And I should be glad when guys I'm with talk to me about sex and boundaries and say things like, "Yeah, I'm no where near to having sex with you." I should be flattered, right? I should be relieved! And I am. But there's this little part of me that's asking, "Why wouldn't he want to have sex with me? Am I that undesirable? Am I that much of a turn-off?"

*sigh*
Anyways.

I'm talking to Tom on IM right now. We're having one conversation is on AIM and one is on MSN... the AIM one is serious and the MSN one is really goooooofy. It's kind of amusing...

The onerock boards are down. Oh oh oh dear.

I need to start working on my 6-page research paper, due January 2nd, on the Church's influence on America throughout history.

current music: "Seduces Me" - Celine Dion
current mood: somewhere between goofy, solemn, and anxious

I just got home from Adoration. It was wonderful. My mom had signed me up without my knowing, and I'm so glad she did. I needed it so badly.

Patrick is sick. I talked to him last night, and when I called, I accidently woke him up. Honestly, I would've prefered it if his mother had just told me that he was sleeping, but she went and woke him up. He really wasn't in all that great a mood, although I suppose I can't really blame him. He was saying sweet things, but his heart just wasn't in it. Anyways, I hope he's feeling better today. I miss the real him when he acts mopey.

I had dinner with the Bishop last night. It was a nice experience, although nothing like I had imagined. He was really down to earth and asked me a lot of questions, none of which I knew the answers to. Well, I say that sort of jokingly, only because he was asking me questions about my future, and I really have no idea what the future holds for me. Oh well, I'm a good actress. ;)

Well, I don't really have much else to say, except that I'm really tired.

To Do:
clean room
exercise
go to bed

Wow.

Yeah, it's only been two days since the last time I updated, and I managed to hit rock bottom and start the climb back up again. It really amazes me how fast I fall sometimes, and how easy it is to sin. Like, big time sin. You could take a gun, hold it in your hand, fire it and murder someone... and BAM, mortal sin. The whole ordeal would take less than five minutes. I never realized how much of a spiritual tightrope I am walking on every second of my life. It only takes the slightest nudge, and I lose my balance and practically my soul.

I am so tired of being just good enough. I have been running so long on autopilot. Not really being bad, but not getting any holier, either. I've realized that this is the way the sin just sneaks up on me and knocks me flat on my back before I even know what's hit me. I want so badly to be holy, but the entire universe seems to be standing in my way. Sometimes I'm in Adoration and I think, "I can do this. I can be holy!" and then I have to stand up, walk out of the church, and enter the real world-- and that's where I fall apart.

I just have to keep telling myself, "Keep struggling. Keep struggling." Fr. Eloo has said it to me; so has Fr. DeBellis. It seems like years ago that my own anthem was "First the Cross and then the Crown." What happened?