I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to take from some of my posts from the onerock boards, and they should explain most of it.

My relationship with Patrick started off on the wrong foot... I lied to my parents and told them that I was going to be at a party and instead I went riding around with him. Also, he kissed me that first night, which I know rubbed some people the wrong way... I completely ignored these people, though.

Well, the relationship started really well (besides the stuff I just mentioned)... we got along great and had a lot in common. He said he would always respect my boundaries (sexually and otherwise). But there were signs that this relationship was not good for me, which I chose to ignore (things like disobeying my parents, being dishonest, etc).

Things started to turn bad about three weeks ago. I found that we could not move past the initial stages of the relationship and get to know each other better. He could not open up to me and this frustrated me... then he would get upset... then we would start to yell at each other and inevitably I would start crying... blah blah blah it wasn't making me feel very good.

We had one HUGE fight about religion... because although he respects Catholicism and my spirituality... he does not seem to be pursuing his own spirituality... this upsets me. I don't have a lot of problems with interreligious dating, but if he's not seeking the Truth like I am... then our priorities do not match up. But after a lot of thinking I decided that we were only 16 years old, I could overlook this part of him and reach out to him.

Well, he is leading me into more sin than I would like to admit. He always saying that he respects my sexual boundaries, but when he tried to kiss me (in a way that I feel is innappropriate) and I turn my head and say no, he get mad at me, and/or just keeps trying to do it. One thing leads to another, and yeah... I'm at an all time low right now. The first time we did stuff that I knew was wrong, I thought, "Well, everyone makes mistakes, I'll give it another chance." It happened again, in a major way, and I feel as though I've been violated and robbed. I'm angry at Pat for putting me in this position but angrier at myself for not stopping this from happening. I feel totally dirty.

I am so low right now. I just have this feeling of doom... I can't go to Confession for a whole week, and I KNOW I'm in mortal sin. I have prayed for Perfect Contrition, but I just don't feel sorry AT ALL. I feel stupid, used, empty... just not remorseful. I feel like I'm falling away, little by little, and the people closest to me don't even notice. I feel like no matter how merciful God is...he can take away my sins but he can't take away the other things... the memories, they play over and over in my mind like a video and torture me.


I can't even pray. I know I have alienated myself from God by sinning. I am desperate.

I wish I never met him. I wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep for a long, long time, and when I woke up, all of this would be gone.

I broke up with him.

It was so hard. I almost wish he would've yelled and screamed and said horrible things; it would've made it a lot easier. He just got really quiet and kept apologizing. I could tell he was really upset. I wish I could say that I was really strong about it, but I wasn't. It was so incredibly hard for me not to say, "You know what, forget it. I don't want to break up with you." I've been crying so hard. Not just because I lost him, but because of what I GAVE to him that I can't get back. The "if only's" are killing me. If only I had been stronger. If only he had loved me more. If only I had never met him...

Before we hung up, he said, "I still love you, but I guess that doesn't count for much..." I really had to go, but I didn't want to hang up the phone. He didn't hang up either, but I was getting yelled at to go, so I had to hang up. I wish it hadn't ended like this.

I really do care for him. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I miss him so much. I just remember how we've fought before, and when we made up, how good it felt. He'd hug me so tight, and for that moment, I'd feel so safe.

I've been in a complete daze since Sunday afternoon. I can't concentrate on anything. I know I'm getting behind in school. And I can't get rid of this headache.

I hate what I've done. I feel so dirty, like I can never be perfectly clean again. I'm tortured.

More later...