Patrick IM'd me again last night. He starts off okay, apologizing for Sunday night and the mean things he said. I was thinking, "Hey, maybe we can actually be friends." Gosh, I was wrong.

After he gets done apologizing and making small talk, he gets to the real reason he IM'd me. "Can you please give me another chance?" As hard as it was, I had to say no. I didn't even want to. I was chatting with friends who kept me saying no, even when it was so hard. He kept asking. I kept saying no. Then it turns into actual begging. His life is just SO bad without me. He just CANNOT live without me. He worked 50+ hours last week to get his mind OFF me. It's KILLING him not to be with me. And on and on...

I wanted to say yes. But my pride, if nothing else, kept me from it - after all, what kind of person would I be to say no for two weeks and then suddenly cave in? I tried to reason with him. Can't we just be friends?, I ask him. No, he says. It's just too painful to be with me as a friend and know that we can never be something more.

Then he starts in with something new. He has to find a way to end the pain, he says. Now, that scares the hell out of me. Whether he's saying that to guilt me or if he really means it, that's the sort of thing suicidal people say.
Patrick (9:57:22 PM): im not going to sleep anymore, because every night when i got to bed you're there in my dreams, and i cant stand that i screwed up and ill never be able to be with u again
Patrick (9:57:57 PM): but i know that wont work so i need a better plan

That is serious stuff. I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't hurt himself. He wouldn't. At this point I am almost hysterical. I tried to call his mom, just to let her know I was worried about him, but when I called, he picked up the phone and refused to let me talk to her. It's out of my hands now.

Last night Jessica and I talked for about 45 minutes. I don't know how serious he was about this "end the pain" stuff, but even if he was just saying it to make me feel guilty... that's still pretty messed up. And if his life is THAT bad without me... I've really got to question how healthy our relationship was to begin with. I mean, gosh, I'm flattered that he likes me that much, but I can't save him from himself. I never knew it would be like that when we started going out, or I wouldn't have gone out with him. Sadness after a breakup is normal - this might be considered inability to let go, though.

This morning, I got an email from him, which only made my anger towards his immature behavior increase:

so u say you will respond? i doubt it but im going to
try anyway so why did u call me? at 11 at night too?
then u wouldnt even respond to me what ur goin to
ingonre me now is it? fine if thats the way u want it
bye. enjoy life

I called him because I was, like, incredibly scared that he was going to hurt himself! I wouldn't respond because he wasn't saying anything! Ignore him? How could I? He's got me under his stupid spell...

And this isn't the way I wanted it. He made it this way. Him and his begging and pleading and threats and whatnot.


s e l f i s h

A Quiz
All answers must be song lyrics!

1. How would you describe yourself?
It’s lonely here in outerspace,
the nearest stars are miles away,
but I believe I'm on to somethin' big.
I've only come to not be found,
to circle high above the ground,
and watch everyone else for a change.
- Evan & Jaron

2. How do you feel about the one you love?
I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
Drowning, I've been blind
But I opened up my eyes
Sorry, I can't lie
So I'll just say goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye
- OLP

3. How do you feel about life?
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
- Goo Goo Dolls

4. What do you want more than anything else right now?
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call
- Counting Crows

Merry Christmas.

Last night I stayed up until midnight to pray a Rosary for world peace. I almost didn't make it that late. I cannot function without sleep. Afterwards, I feel asleep immediately. I slept until 9:30 this morning.

Dad had to work until 1 PM today, so we waited to open gifts until he got home. Mom, Liz, and I made a big brunch (bacon, eggs, toast). I jumped in the shower and then went outside to shovel... there were at least 8 or 9 inches of snow, and it took the three of us almost an hour to shovel the whole driveway.

My presents were really great. I got the stereo, which I opened last night, and also assembled this morning. I also got a personal CD player, you know, a "discman". Those were my two big gifts. Other than that, I got the usually assortment of clothes, pajamas, underwear, and socks. From family members, I got money or gift certificates...

I did get a snowboard bag, which was a total surprise. And some flannel sheets with penguins on them.

Patrick approached me Sunday night. He wanted me to give "us" another chance.

He said, "It's harder for me to be without you than it is for me to not kiss you." He really thought that we could be together and not kiss. I... I turned him down. I know deep down that it was the right decision, but I felt- still feel- awful about it. Gosh, it would be SO incredibly easy to get back together with him. I remember hugging him, what it felt like. He had the nicest arms. He was soo strong. When we hugged, my nose would be just up to his collarbone, and I could always smell his cologne and his laundry detergent, and it was so safe-feeling.

He got really upset, and started saying some really hurtful things. That I was a liar. That I lied to him throughout the entire relationship. That I never cared for him the way I said I did. That stuff really hurt me. I cared for him a great deal. I still do! I think about him so much. I just want to feel him next to me. But I know I can't do it. It's awful. I'm okay if I don't think about it. I'm okay until he calls. Then I just want to give in. I just want him here with me...

I did end up going to Confession before Mass this evening. I was sooooo relieved. Thank you so much to those of you who prayed for me! I was praying like mad, myself. Fr. Eloo wasn't there; Fr. Freemesser was. Thank goodness!

Mass tonight was wonderful and awful at the same time. Awful because Fr. Freemesser did some pretty strange things, like adding his own personal comments into the Eucharistic prayer and the words of consecration and pretty much EVERY other part of the Mass. Wonderful, though, because, well, it's Mass! You really can't beat it. It was crowded and hot, but it didn't matter. JESUS WAS THERE! I always want to just fall on my knees after Holy Communion. (Unfortunately there wasn't any room in the choir loft for kneeling tonight.)

My sister and I each got to open two of our Christmas gifts. I got a new stereo for my bedroom! I was so excited! I also got the new Our Lady Peace CD, which I'm dying to listen to, but I can't get the plastic wrapper off. My gosh, these dumb things are hard to open! After about 5 minutes of struggling with it, I give up.

Hey, everybody, check out my friend Rose's blog. I helped her out with it. ;)

So, how do you like the new layout?

I'm going to bed in a few minutes, but I wanted to update before then.

So, Patrick IM'd me last night. It didn't go well. He was emotional... and I felt awful. Gosh, it would be so easy to give in and get back together with him. I'll write more about it tomorrow.

I planned to go to Confession today, but I didn't get an opportunity to. That's kind of bad... I really need to go! I don't know what I'm going to do for Christmas Eve Mass tomorrow. I mean, I don't think I have any mortal sins. I'm not sure, though. I hope I get to go before Mass! Maybe I'll get there really early and talk to Fr. Eloo. He isn't very compassionate when I need to go, but I'm praying that he will understand. I need all the prayers I can get about this... so please, if you are reading this right now, pray that I have the opportunity to go to Confession before Mass tomorrow.

I got my prom dress today. It is beautiful! Strapless, long, black... very elegant. I don't have shoes or a bag or anything else yet, but prom isn't for another five months, anyways. I'll try to get a picture of the dress up on this site soon. I can't wait to go to the prom!

Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve. Have a nice night!

I went to Mass last night at St. Francis and then I spent the night at Jessica's. Tomorrow we're going shopping at the Carousal Mall. I need to wash my hair.