I don't understand what people mean when they say that they don't care what other people think of them. The thing that confuses me even more is when these same people insult me or put me down. If they don't care what other people think of them, do they honestly expect me to care what they think of me? I mean, considering the politics of high school, wouldn't the worst insults come from the person who DID care what everyone thought, since this person would be weighing the not only their personal opinions but the opinions of "everyone else"? And wouldn't it generally be a high-school-population-approved insult since this person's image could be ruined by an insult that was not approved of? Since their image is important to them, they wouldn't throw out an insult that could ruin their image.

But the person who doesn't care about their image... they feel free to act in whatever way they want. Usually they're acting to the extremes just to prove how much they DON'T care. So is an insult from them really supposed to hurt?

....

Well, today sucked. Usually Fridays are good because... well, it's Friday. But... not today.

I don't really know what to say about it except that I want to devour at least 65 lbs of junk food right now and I wish, wish, wish I had a boyfriend, even if for only the most ridiculous reasons, like hugs and sweet little forehead kisses.

I'm starting to write for other people. I mean, I write in this journal... but I'll edit what I really want to say because I know who reads it, and I don't want to embarass myself. Sometimes I really disgust myself.

Why can't I just be the person I want to be without fear of alienation or embarassment? I've always hated "fake" people... and now, I'm just moving steadily closer to the superficiality I condemn. Unbelieveably, I'm almost afraid to post this entry. What if someone reads it and realizes I'm not as strong and independent as I strive to be? What if someone realizes that I am falling short of my goals? Ironically, falling short of other people's ideals doesn't bother me that much - somehow I feel that by rejecting their prototypical images of perfection, I am a stronger person. But admitting that I don't measure up to my OWN ideals - which are only to be different than the norm - makes me vulnerable. I'm NOT different. I'm weak and searching, just like the next person.

... just like the next person.

Christine's Top Ten Comfort Foods

10. Cold turkey subs with mayo and deli cheese
9. New England clam chowda with oyster crackers
8. Peanut butter on toasted bagels
7. Monterey Jack cheese
6. Raw cookie dough
5. Reese's pieces or peanut butter M&M's
4. Sausage sandwiches with lots of onions and some peppers, too - available exclusively at Fenway Park
3. Store-bought chocolate chip cookies - you know, the kind that come in a box - dipped in ice-cold milk
2. Hot fudge sundaes with extra hot fudge

and...

1. Charlie Brown ice cream

It has now been officially confirmed that Mark does not like me in "that way". But we're getting to be closer friends. Furthermore, he likes "someone else". I'm okay with this. I know that he can be happy with her. I say this with only the SLIGHTEST tinge of jealousy. I swear.